After trying for over three years, I was so excited when I realized that I was finally pregnant! Every day was filled with joy. Everywhere I went, I felt like I had this incredible secret…I was pregnant! I loved this baby and held thoughts and dreams for this child in my heart.
A few months later, I went in for a routine ultrasound. I knew something wasn’t right when the technicians were whispering to each other and wouldn’t answer any of my questions. After the procedure, they put me in a room to talk with my doctor…over the phone. I couldn’t believe what she was saying to me. All I heard was that the baby had died and they were sending me to an obstetrician to be examined and to schedule a D&C procedure. I was in shock…maybe they were wrong…I didn’t miscarry…maybe they missed the heartbeat…I can’t have that procedure and kill my baby…why was this happening?!
I remember praying and asking God to send us to a Christian practice, to a doctor who would understand how hard a D&C would be. God answered my prayers even in the midst of this trial. When we got to the office, we waited for over four hours to see the doctor—four hours of pregnant women after pregnant women. Most of them seemed to be complaining about how uncomfortable they were. I wanted to scream at them to be happy—to be thankful they were still pregnant—that I would trade places with them in a moment! When I finally saw the doctor, I was told that I had a molar pregnancy. A molar pregnancy occurs when there is an extra set of paternal chromosomes in a fertilized egg and a tumor is formed. It was so hard to believe. All I could think of was what if they were wrong? And how could my baby who I had prayed for be gone?!
After the procedure, I was told that I couldn’t get pregnant for over a year and that I had to go in for weekly and then monthly pregnancy tests until my HCG levels dropped to zero and stayed at that level for six months. This seemed like a lifetime to me.
One of the hardest parts about the grieving process was that everyone around me went on with their normal lives so quickly—to them it was a moment. But I was still grieving the loss of my baby and all the hopes and dreams I had carried in my heart. I reminded myself to look for God in the situation, to let Him comfort and strengthen me even when I didn’t understand. And as I looked for Him, I saw God in the doctor’s office, in the hospital when the nurse assigned to us was a Christian friend, and in the love of family and friends.
Psalm 94:19 (NKJV) says, “In the multitude of anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.” I made a choice each day to trust God, to give Him “the anxieties within me” and to purpose to let His comforts delight my soul. It wasn’t always easy, but each day God continued to give me strength and to fill me with His joy in the midst of sorrow. A year and a half later, I got pregnant again and delivered a beautiful, healthy baby girl.
Story submitted by Sue, from Michigan.